On Being Irrevocable

and weathering the roads not yet travelled

SEPTEMBER 1, 2023

September is finally here, yawning her cooling first breaths this morning. I’m ecstatic, in truth; just giddy with a child’s anticipation for my favorite time of year. Family dinners, birthdays, spooky movie nights, all-nighters on horror games - they’re all just cresting the ochre hill, and the crunch of leaves makes me electric.

Mom is busy running the kitchen like an entire crew of line cooks all balled up into a single, precise woman. The sizzle of bacon dapples the air like olfactory rainfall and the spread of colors on her cutting board is nothing short of Picasso’s passion. She’s stressed and fails to conceal it in all of her terse focus. But that’s okay. The most fundamental power we have is the opportunity to provide relief. So, I’m gonna clean the bathroom and run some errands for her. :)

I’m so full of gratitude. I’m blessed to live here with these people. All the life living itself both on the outside of our house and within. To be a part of it all and know that without me it would never be the same. I’ve realized that I matter, but not just to people. I matter as a part of the world; as a living bead of ink rolling on a paper ocean. I matter not just because people love me, but because I color their experiences in this world. Believe it or not, if I disappeared tomorrow, the world would know. Some would know it like the sun shredding itself into an inky hole. Others would know it like the undusted patch of wallpaper where a portrait used to hang. Either way, my place is irrevocable.

---

The Pioneer

Sobbing in your bathtub
surrounded by a candlelit gloom;
speakers consume the entire room.
Water roaring to thicken air;
foggy room compels your stare.
Flicker of a memory unknown;
bleary yearning to just go home. 

Why must this be the end of my day?
With emotions churning
deep in my stomach;
sensation itself made my enemy.
What blow during the day did this to me?
My head swimming 
through a system shock;
skin crawling with screams made tactile. 

Yet, a glimmer of relief remains
after the static pain
of wincing the night away:
the dormant spirit of adventure
blossoming,
like the new trees after voclanic devastation.
This is what it's like, y'know?
To explore the frayed edges of
human emotion
is to brave the hardships
of a land unknown;
to adopt the honorific of
The Pioneer

---

Hello, everyone! If you’ve made it this far, I’ll be over the moon. It means worlds to me that anyone I know might read this piece and find something useful or admirable in it. I know that this content might be a little long for the people just checking in on me (which if that’s you, sending gratitude ), but this project has become pretty important for me as a writer. It’s a lot of things: it’s journaling, it’s creative practice, it’s mindfulness, it’s poetry. I’ve honestly had a hard time choosing which of these to focus on and how, but it’s reassuring to see the format starting to develop itself.

Speaking of the format, let me lay down exactly what I’ve got cooking: For standard posts, I think that a “vignette” style really fits the general vibe of self-reflection and cathartic creation that I’m going for. Additionally, it’s also a way for me to collect a broad selection of my varied works into a single package (neat, right? yeah, I thought so, too lol). The layout of this piece is promising, with a journal entry to start, followed by some poetry of mine, and ending in a more casual update. I really feel like it hits a lot of areas that I find important in the work of mindfulness, so we’ll see how it handles the test of time.

Anyways, thank you guys again for reading (seriously, I don’t expect many to get this far). I hope ya’ll enjoy this kind of content weaseling its way into your inbox; I definitely have a love for newsletters being personally delivered. If you have any suggestions, comments, or ideas, I would love to hear from you! My email address and Instagram handle will always be available on my author page (and probably the publication page, too, but I haven’t decided yet), so feel free to contact me on whichever is most convenient. The next entry will be posted when it decides to enter my brain, but I will inform you all if a more intervallic schedule reveals itself. Have a good one and I’ll see y’all next time! :)

p.s.

Have you guys ever had an emotional experience like that in the shower? Please let me know!